Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
highlights
This was a super cool event, held in the alley behind the carnigie . Alot of the local services in the DTES had booths and tables will info about what they do. My work had one were we hadned out supplies and talked to people about harm reduction and work ectect.. There was food and smoothies and massages. Tons of shit. This type of stuff totally seals the deal baout what type of work i like. So badley need to be on the front lines, in a job that offers me freedom and independance. In the last month ive been looking into other options, well just with one place. The treatment center i went to in 2003. They have a vacouver branch, i had an interveiw and it went well, the position is good, i mean its a "good job". but the more i thought about being in an office and worse being confinred to one boss, or even way worse i dont know if i coul handle dealing with a different demegraphic after working in the ghetto. I get that service to people is service no matter who they are and hwat ecomnic situation they live in, but after walking threw the bottom of the bottom i dont know how many cup cake problems i could deal with. Anyway i decded to stay were iam and see what happens. My bosses offered and set me up with taking this bearvement training course. Super interesting, basically we are learning how be more equipped to deal with people who are going threw immense amount of trauma and greif, which would be all the couple hundred people i come into contact with during a work shift. Am hopeful that maybe it will help me deal with my own greif, wether thats just the greif of watching human suffering ectect or past greif in my life. iam working at the 3rd floor again tonight..there is alot of time here, time that im pracitcing my typing and blogging before the sun comes up and i go off on some crazy tangent about seagulls..luckly this time i have sunglasses and a ride home..
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
how cool is this?
so resourceful, one of my clients found this bar and Styrofoam on the beach, cut it and created a xylophone. this guy is soooo super amazing at guitar and harmonica, can sing and basically play any instrument.i love how things dont go to waste down here..
spelling mistakes
i realize this computer at work in the staff room doeant have auto spell check- therefore i predict massive spelling mistakes, but hey who cares, no one reads this really. I had a really self centered thought the other day that maybe i would delete this blog. For a few reasons, i always want a space to write and then i want to share it, then i give people my blog address then i get self conscince of qhat im writtng and wish to be anoymous. The reality is most people i gave this address to dont read it, life right people get busy whatever...i should know this. Also i started thinking just about my work, and maybe i wasnt being secret enough, like maybe what i write may reflect badely from an opion i have ectect. Like would my co-workers feel like it wasnt acurate blah blah, this is the garabge that cycled through my head. But i guess after taking a week off from writting i feel like its fine, i feel like my opion is honest and generally in the best ibntrest of my work and the people i serve, authentically so whatever. Plus who the fuck is going to know or care enough about what "iam" writting. seriously right?
so yes i took that week off, and rightfully so. My week was full of madness..seriously...sober madness..diffferent madness from this place..whatver life is madness. So last week..pms like a fucking freight train..equals zero copping skills...had a moment were my roomate asked what was wrong...a million fbombs went off..i took the night off work and did some errrands that were piling up on me. Real awesome, my new roomate also works for us and could take my shift..super bonus, asiodes from the fact that sometmes he is my spitual hero. So helpful it really blows my mind, he reallt actually thinks of thers..like his actions say that. So that..also we got a cat..man, let me just say note to self;
**** when adopting a cat from a stranger..DONT get an un-nuterted male DO- make sure it has had its shots DONT - put it in a house full of other animals***
the result was a week full of cat piss, it pissed on the walls, on michelles couch, on my couch, on breannas back pack, on her other backpack, on her pillow, onmy computer chair, on michelles boots, on my bag of work clothes, on the table cloths, in the bathrioon, in the bathtub could add infinitum...ectect
right so there was that, we borrowed a blacklight and spent a few evening cracking out with it looking for spray..ive never experienced anythig like that. Thank god for johan..who found a place to get it nutred, got a special littler box and kept him in his room and slowely we reintroduced him back to society. Fail, right..? we have been treating him like he has been in active addiction and now back from detox we are loving him till he loves himself. I named him chaos and he is quite charming this week...i dont think hes peed on anything but again ive had the swineflu or somethnglike it cv\\and cant smell..so maybe im just naive..
thats that...falling in and out and back in love..a whole completly different story..a story that my mind barely wraps around, a story that confuses me enough to just set asode(as much as i can) to just focus on whats right in front of me...life is so much easier when what i deal with is looking me righ tback in the eyes..sometimes i can do it other times im lost in a sea of my toughts..tonight was a bitlike that..i guess thats whythis post has primary been about me and not whats up with work...i will get into that when i gethome..helped faciatate a documentary that was filmed here about work and johann.. that went well but perhaps i will write later..
its the eve of check night and the IR is quite..i feel better aboutmy mini rant..hmmm write as if no one is readng,,that needs to be my moto..because really maybe no one is and if they are..well its just my reality..
so yes i took that week off, and rightfully so. My week was full of madness..seriously...sober madness..diffferent madness from this place..whatver life is madness. So last week..pms like a fucking freight train..equals zero copping skills...had a moment were my roomate asked what was wrong...a million fbombs went off..i took the night off work and did some errrands that were piling up on me. Real awesome, my new roomate also works for us and could take my shift..super bonus, asiodes from the fact that sometmes he is my spitual hero. So helpful it really blows my mind, he reallt actually thinks of thers..like his actions say that. So that..also we got a cat..man, let me just say note to self;
**** when adopting a cat from a stranger..DONT get an un-nuterted male DO- make sure it has had its shots DONT - put it in a house full of other animals***
the result was a week full of cat piss, it pissed on the walls, on michelles couch, on my couch, on breannas back pack, on her other backpack, on her pillow, onmy computer chair, on michelles boots, on my bag of work clothes, on the table cloths, in the bathrioon, in the bathtub could add infinitum...ectect
right so there was that, we borrowed a blacklight and spent a few evening cracking out with it looking for spray..ive never experienced anythig like that. Thank god for johan..who found a place to get it nutred, got a special littler box and kept him in his room and slowely we reintroduced him back to society. Fail, right..? we have been treating him like he has been in active addiction and now back from detox we are loving him till he loves himself. I named him chaos and he is quite charming this week...i dont think hes peed on anything but again ive had the swineflu or somethnglike it cv\\and cant smell..so maybe im just naive..
thats that...falling in and out and back in love..a whole completly different story..a story that my mind barely wraps around, a story that confuses me enough to just set asode(as much as i can) to just focus on whats right in front of me...life is so much easier when what i deal with is looking me righ tback in the eyes..sometimes i can do it other times im lost in a sea of my toughts..tonight was a bitlike that..i guess thats whythis post has primary been about me and not whats up with work...i will get into that when i gethome..helped faciatate a documentary that was filmed here about work and johann.. that went well but perhaps i will write later..
its the eve of check night and the IR is quite..i feel better aboutmy mini rant..hmmm write as if no one is readng,,that needs to be my moto..because really maybe no one is and if they are..well its just my reality..
Friday, September 11, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
fasttrack...
just finsihing my break and trying to write before the weekend hits..its my friday and i have a friend coming up this weekend and im easiely distracted. My life is soooooo full, i can barelt manage all the great things in my life. For real my biggest problem is staying on top of all the stuff that is going on..95% of it good stuff. I actually can say in this moment that i really feel grateful. Last night at work was super weird..we had to come in @11 and finsihed the shift, my body was not sure wether it was morning..night whatever..i now itsnot good for you to be working late nights. So i got the opportuinty to go to a 42 year cake right before work> this man has 42 years of sobriety and alot of poeple at the meeting had lots of clean time as well. There really is a certian vibe when your ina room with sooooo much wisdoim and strength, not a dry eye in the house. He also has altimzers so he repreated alot of the same thing. Since it takes me a while to hear things and aparently i need to be reminded all the time of were i came from, i found it helpful. He kept saying that AA had taught him how to not listen to himself, i hear that. AA has taught me that perhaps what i think isnt true, maybe what i think is a good idea is really ooaded with self seeking alterir motives, that maybe its hard to fix my mind with my mind because my mind will always take me back to be self centered. TRUE DAT! another lovely part of that meeting was i got to see two of my clients who are now sober. Seriously, these twon men are like a light in my life, i ran ito them while i was doing a group at the local recovery house. One of them didnt reconzie me from my work untill he saw my tattoo on my wrist, he said that he was always looking down and reconzied my wrist from my work. Amazing right...spent the last how ever many years always staring at the ground. Now both of them are living together and almost have a year sober each, when they see me there eyes shine! itssuch a bond to have known them at the bottom, in the trenches, my fallen soldiars that got to get up and walk again and we both know how truely incredible it is that they are alive and well. SOOOOOO happy, so happy that i can do that before i come here, makes me feel good when i then talk about my experience in recovery when clients ask because i can say 100% that i know there is another way, i know its possible,that they are not different and that it will be there for them if they ever want it. I truely believe that were there is life there is hope!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
ummm ya
i would like to formally apologize for all my run on sentences..there are lots..im sorry..my thoughts are fragmented and they are reflected in my writ ting. My spelling reeks of the 5th grad and i often type word backwards and mixed up!
Oh well..maybe next year i will pick up an English class. Today io spent the better part of the day learning how to use a defibrillator! a new addition to our life saving equipment we have at work.
Tit for Tat!
Oh well..maybe next year i will pick up an English class. Today io spent the better part of the day learning how to use a defibrillator! a new addition to our life saving equipment we have at work.
Tit for Tat!
lets see if this works...
my at attempt to write while im at the front desk may or may not go over so well. I thought i would get a jump start because i have to get home go to sleep and be back in the hood by 10am for a mandatory staff meeting, to then go to boxing to go home and come back to the hood and work 12-4am..sweet jesus... i wonder if Jesus was sweet. whatever.. my weekend was amazing, really like it couldn't have been better. I needed it after the week of wallowing in my own shit. Graveyards are real easy to justify sleeping till 4/5/6pm... so i spent all weekend immersed in the sober side of my life. i exist in both extremes..and they cross over all the time. weird. anyway i was so unbelievably fucking grateful to be around sober people this weekend, and sober people that enjoy their sobriety. Made coming back here hard on MOnday.
Last night was quite. My close friend came in, i sat in her booth and talked to her while she did her fix. She cried almost instantly.i didnt ask why, dont really need too..i can imagine that even tho i know its nice for her to have me as a point of contact when shes down here i must remind her in someway of being clean,something she doesn't have, or something she doesn't know how to get,its like we both are looking in the mirror of each other on opposite sides, both lives really close to each other yet so far apart. We talked about people we know, we talked about me breaking up with my BF and boys ect. She did her fix and i stuck band aides all over her hands. AHHHH i just want to wrap her up somewhere and keep her safe,,fuck that part kills me, its like the closest thing i can do is to clean her wounds and stick band aides on her...its like the only way i can control the situation. I guess its tangible, a physical action that i can see, softens the blow. She gave me her belt and left, asked me to hold on to it for her, she gave me her prayer beads too that sit on my dresser. god witting this makes me feel sad.. but its real and i need to have it out of my head and out floating in the internet, i guess so that maybe i can digest it better. See were im at, that is the point of this whole blog. SO she left, it always crosses my mind when she leaves if it will be the last time, i try to not fill my head with those thoughts..and the after thought that maybe if i had...what tho.. you know, there really isnt anything i can do but know that when she needs me iwill be there to the best of my ability and maybe stick a band aide or two one.
QV, my buddy upstairs in detox left and went to some recovery house although i haven't heard from him at all. Tonight has been busy for the most part..some serious hustle earlier, lots of cops out. Things have quietened down now but as i say that people are screaming in the injection room.
Top 5 favorite things to do while im at work
1) hang out with, i will call her D73, shes quite schizophrenic and does cocaine, she talk major word salad and is the sweetest thing on the plant. The most Innocent person down here, she probably gets ripped off alot. If i ever saw someone hurt her i might go to jail, but really she know all the words to most 80s metal and classic rock, she will sing her face off and dances like Elaine form sendfield, she also claps and snaps, all the while yelling word salad and once and a while screams out the word "vagina" or least sings songs about it.Anyway i talk with her alot.
2)help a really f0cucked up person clean up their booth, especially the angry loud "tough guys".. its quite the challenge but i feel like my years in the sales industry has helped me perfect the art of tactful manipulation , combined with my genuine compassion makes, for satisfying booth exits.
3)listening to peoples stories..it always blows my mind if you talk with someone for a minute what people have been through and the wealth of information and life experience ive gotten from people down here.
4)learning about street culture. I mean i guess this is obv because clearly there is something baout it that attracts me to down here other then just helping and feeling somewhat proud of what i put back into the world, i know that there is a darkeness in me that is fsatinated with how the world opporates in the hood. So im always curious about way that drus are sold, ways that they are prepared, how things are flipped and re flipped and traded and sold and stolen then found and then traded again...its crazy how you will see the same hoodie or stereo or bike going around and around and around.
5)look for blood splatter..this touches on my OCD side...like a little treasure hunt, at the end of the night we scour to walls of the injection room for blood that may have gotten sprayed and splashed or dripped anywere...
i realize how un0normal this all sounds but its work and i like 9 times out of ten. Its painful and amazing. And believe me im not always all about harm reduction- at least when i say that i mean im human and sometimes i get tripped up about the moment, when i think about the big picture i really do believe in it, but there are moments when i stop and wonder if im doing something really wrong, just because at first glance it can feel that way, for brief moments, like with my girl, when i pulled her tye and we were chatting like nothing was going on, but everything was going on. IN another time we would be having that conversation in a coffee shop, her car, on the phone, on a walk, instead of at my work were she legally injects heroin(safely i might add). so ya snipets of time like that were i feel a bit fucked up , but they are brief because i realize that this is the reality of her life, that i wouldnt want her to not have a place to go,i know that overall it is helpful, it does work, it is such an efficient way to connect to people and help them access services. I get to be there in some of the most crucial points in peoples lives and try to better their existence even for a second, how can i feel bad about that at the end of the day right? I guess im just hashing out how to be allow my humanbess while still still being 100% behind my work. I dont want to ever get to the point were it doesn't affect me.
as well i still get to see my friend .Love u girl.
nite
Last night was quite. My close friend came in, i sat in her booth and talked to her while she did her fix. She cried almost instantly.i didnt ask why, dont really need too..i can imagine that even tho i know its nice for her to have me as a point of contact when shes down here i must remind her in someway of being clean,something she doesn't have, or something she doesn't know how to get,its like we both are looking in the mirror of each other on opposite sides, both lives really close to each other yet so far apart. We talked about people we know, we talked about me breaking up with my BF and boys ect. She did her fix and i stuck band aides all over her hands. AHHHH i just want to wrap her up somewhere and keep her safe,,fuck that part kills me, its like the closest thing i can do is to clean her wounds and stick band aides on her...its like the only way i can control the situation. I guess its tangible, a physical action that i can see, softens the blow. She gave me her belt and left, asked me to hold on to it for her, she gave me her prayer beads too that sit on my dresser. god witting this makes me feel sad.. but its real and i need to have it out of my head and out floating in the internet, i guess so that maybe i can digest it better. See were im at, that is the point of this whole blog. SO she left, it always crosses my mind when she leaves if it will be the last time, i try to not fill my head with those thoughts..and the after thought that maybe if i had...what tho.. you know, there really isnt anything i can do but know that when she needs me iwill be there to the best of my ability and maybe stick a band aide or two one.
QV, my buddy upstairs in detox left and went to some recovery house although i haven't heard from him at all. Tonight has been busy for the most part..some serious hustle earlier, lots of cops out. Things have quietened down now but as i say that people are screaming in the injection room.
Top 5 favorite things to do while im at work
1) hang out with, i will call her D73, shes quite schizophrenic and does cocaine, she talk major word salad and is the sweetest thing on the plant. The most Innocent person down here, she probably gets ripped off alot. If i ever saw someone hurt her i might go to jail, but really she know all the words to most 80s metal and classic rock, she will sing her face off and dances like Elaine form sendfield, she also claps and snaps, all the while yelling word salad and once and a while screams out the word "vagina" or least sings songs about it.Anyway i talk with her alot.
2)help a really f0cucked up person clean up their booth, especially the angry loud "tough guys".. its quite the challenge but i feel like my years in the sales industry has helped me perfect the art of tactful manipulation , combined with my genuine compassion makes, for satisfying booth exits.
3)listening to peoples stories..it always blows my mind if you talk with someone for a minute what people have been through and the wealth of information and life experience ive gotten from people down here.
4)learning about street culture. I mean i guess this is obv because clearly there is something baout it that attracts me to down here other then just helping and feeling somewhat proud of what i put back into the world, i know that there is a darkeness in me that is fsatinated with how the world opporates in the hood. So im always curious about way that drus are sold, ways that they are prepared, how things are flipped and re flipped and traded and sold and stolen then found and then traded again...its crazy how you will see the same hoodie or stereo or bike going around and around and around.
5)look for blood splatter..this touches on my OCD side...like a little treasure hunt, at the end of the night we scour to walls of the injection room for blood that may have gotten sprayed and splashed or dripped anywere...
i realize how un0normal this all sounds but its work and i like 9 times out of ten. Its painful and amazing. And believe me im not always all about harm reduction- at least when i say that i mean im human and sometimes i get tripped up about the moment, when i think about the big picture i really do believe in it, but there are moments when i stop and wonder if im doing something really wrong, just because at first glance it can feel that way, for brief moments, like with my girl, when i pulled her tye and we were chatting like nothing was going on, but everything was going on. IN another time we would be having that conversation in a coffee shop, her car, on the phone, on a walk, instead of at my work were she legally injects heroin(safely i might add). so ya snipets of time like that were i feel a bit fucked up , but they are brief because i realize that this is the reality of her life, that i wouldnt want her to not have a place to go,i know that overall it is helpful, it does work, it is such an efficient way to connect to people and help them access services. I get to be there in some of the most crucial points in peoples lives and try to better their existence even for a second, how can i feel bad about that at the end of the day right? I guess im just hashing out how to be allow my humanbess while still still being 100% behind my work. I dont want to ever get to the point were it doesn't affect me.
as well i still get to see my friend .Love u girl.
nite
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
i get why im addcited to my job..
well maybe just from one aspect...asides from the fact that i was wondering today if its possible to get a contact high..thus being addicted to it. Not that i actually ever feel high when i left work, maybe wound up but not high as i remember it. Fuck almost 7 years..thats strange to me, 7 years will be the amount of time i was active in my alcoholism and 7 years sober..im just as much the person iam today as the person i used to be. I both like that and feel weird about it. were was i going..ha ya addicted to my work...so i dont doubt that on some level the energy is addicting..i experienced how strong it really is when i worked upstairs last sat, every time i came down to do something it was like walking into a tornado or shit storm as i like to call it.
Anyway the real reason i feel like maybe im addicted to my job asides from the above would be is that im thrown into situations that constantly bring me the present, constant crisis, constant chaos, that im left with no time to feel sorry for myself about anything i deem "wrong" or unacceptable i nmy life. I know i ramble on alot about how attemping to be selfless helps me with my self centeredness but here at work i dont have alot of choice, i just show up and im presented with tons of situations that snap me to reality Its a win win situation.
blah enough about me..work was smooth..minor moment as we were closing..someone came in and threw the mop bucket all over the floor..took 5 of us to figure out what this guy wanted..there was yelling in french and other clients trying to mediate..,mostly i just had no idea what had happened, but it ended peacefully. We were medium busy, Thursday nights the candyman comes. He stands on the corner of hastings and the alley beside the Washington and hands out candy and snacks and clothes and whatever else..huge line ups and then its constant candy and chocolate all night. Was remarking with same/same(my girl i get to work with on Thursdays)about how much food goes around there..i mean how much stuff in general but food for sure..I get offered food all the time..chocolate and candy ..its bad sometimes, they know its my solf spot too...once a truck pulled up with flats and flats and flats of yogurt and cottage cheese, everyone on main and hasting was eating dairy forlike2/3 hours.. .one time a lady dropped off a ton of cupcakes, stupid women walked though the waiting room with them and almost started a riot.
Went upstairs and visited QV in detox today..hes telling me hes going to leave tomorrow and go to a safe house..i kind of nothing it, i want him to get sober but the reality is he may never..so then what ? he never gets sober and that means he doesn't have rights anymore..or i dont talk to him ..or what i look down on him..not likely, i mean iam all for sobriety but im also for i have no idea what your life should look like or pan out. does the 9 days sober still matter....of course it does..why not...its weird the more i work there the more i really have no black or white idea about things for others..for me maybe..but for others not so much..you were sober 9 days..you ate...you rested...you had moments of not having to steal meat and sell in on the street for your next fix..good so be it..9 days of less pain is better then 9 days of more pain..regardless...
maybe he will stay..i hope he does but if he doesnt i dont feel as though time was wasted...
Anyway the real reason i feel like maybe im addicted to my job asides from the above would be is that im thrown into situations that constantly bring me the present, constant crisis, constant chaos, that im left with no time to feel sorry for myself about anything i deem "wrong" or unacceptable i nmy life. I know i ramble on alot about how attemping to be selfless helps me with my self centeredness but here at work i dont have alot of choice, i just show up and im presented with tons of situations that snap me to reality Its a win win situation.
blah enough about me..work was smooth..minor moment as we were closing..someone came in and threw the mop bucket all over the floor..took 5 of us to figure out what this guy wanted..there was yelling in french and other clients trying to mediate..,mostly i just had no idea what had happened, but it ended peacefully. We were medium busy, Thursday nights the candyman comes. He stands on the corner of hastings and the alley beside the Washington and hands out candy and snacks and clothes and whatever else..huge line ups and then its constant candy and chocolate all night. Was remarking with same/same(my girl i get to work with on Thursdays)about how much food goes around there..i mean how much stuff in general but food for sure..I get offered food all the time..chocolate and candy ..its bad sometimes, they know its my solf spot too...once a truck pulled up with flats and flats and flats of yogurt and cottage cheese, everyone on main and hasting was eating dairy forlike2/3 hours.. .one time a lady dropped off a ton of cupcakes, stupid women walked though the waiting room with them and almost started a riot.
Went upstairs and visited QV in detox today..hes telling me hes going to leave tomorrow and go to a safe house..i kind of nothing it, i want him to get sober but the reality is he may never..so then what ? he never gets sober and that means he doesn't have rights anymore..or i dont talk to him ..or what i look down on him..not likely, i mean iam all for sobriety but im also for i have no idea what your life should look like or pan out. does the 9 days sober still matter....of course it does..why not...its weird the more i work there the more i really have no black or white idea about things for others..for me maybe..but for others not so much..you were sober 9 days..you ate...you rested...you had moments of not having to steal meat and sell in on the street for your next fix..good so be it..9 days of less pain is better then 9 days of more pain..regardless...
maybe he will stay..i hope he does but if he doesnt i dont feel as though time was wasted...
Thursday, September 3, 2009
My mother nails it sometimes..
“There are times when the
experience of living in this world
is rapturous. And there are
times when it curls us crying in
our beds. Between these extremes
we tell each other what
we know...”
My mom...taken from a review in bc bookworld from one of her latest book "down the road to eternity"...
read it after a day that was really intense and brought me some perspective..
mom speaks the truth..totally is my hero.
experience of living in this world
is rapturous. And there are
times when it curls us crying in
our beds. Between these extremes
we tell each other what
we know...”
My mom...taken from a review in bc bookworld from one of her latest book "down the road to eternity"...
read it after a day that was really intense and brought me some perspective..
mom speaks the truth..totally is my hero.
a women mid 60s.. Wearing sequins having a coffee with her dolls. I
really kicked myself for not taking a photo.. I mean it's pretty par
for the course down here but I wanted a photo. Just went to get a
coffee on my break and walked by to this.. Guess she stepped out for a
min?
solid
solid would sum up my night tonight. Today is oneof those days i couldn't imagine working anywhere else, i couldn't imagine feeling more pride about my job, i couldnt imagine not being able to be connected t some of the people i have met down there. I dont think it was about any major event but i really felt good about who iam at my work this evening. Honestly not blowing myself up at all but reALLY it felt productive. Stuff like actually taking the time to look over someones shoulder and ask why they have been in their booth for 45 minutes..not get mad at them but ask them if they need a hand...they do...i help them..i help them slow down the process..alot of people come in and there dope sick, they need to get the drugs in them stat, they rush...they push the needle thtough their vein, they stress out..they damage their veins and dont use hygienic practices... sometimes it just takes someone to stand by and have them relax a second..threw this process tonight a few times i was able to talk enough with people and fill them in on some really relevant things..like having the needle facing the right way up to cause less damage...hmmm using an alcohol wipe...not touching the site with your dirty fingers..any little small tips that will prevent infection..seems small but it isnt, thats the point, or at least one of them.
So i felt on point about that. Funny even as i write that i realize how hard that cocept might be for people to digest..like aren't i helping people use drugs..ya i sure am, but once you make the choice to walk through those doors..thAtS JUST IT, YOUVEMADE THAT choice..and chances are , by even glancing on the streets around u..or anywhere for that matter people will make choices and do them , regardless. As well...even tho im an addict and i know in my deepest of deepest hearts that it doesnt matter if i dont want to drink or use when i was in the cycle, i was completely in it. On a hamster wheel in the self made prison, even tho i know that for me to be true..working there has sealed the deal..talking with people every day has sealed the deal of the insanity of addiction. There is not one person that hasnt at some point talked to me about the fact that they want to stop, everyone does, no one wants to do what they are doing. yet somehow there is this notion that people are just being assholes and trying to disobey the law because they are bad people. So far from the fucking truth..look at cigarettes, same deal, no one wants to smoke..all smokers want to quit, if they say they dont i say they are lying.
Anyway im not sure of the point of that rant but i guesss i just wish everyone could work at my work for a day and see how painful it is, and see how human these people are. I see a good bunch of them more then my own family, they know me like the back of their hand, they know when im happy sad, distracted. Tonight i had a moment were i was thinking about my BF and how we just had to end things because he lives in a different country..i wasnt in the mood to engage and one of my favs( i may have like 200) was asking me whats wrong?whats wrong? nothing i tell him, im tired, he tells me im lying and trys to make me laugh ny recounting a time in the winter when a guy almost killed him with garbage plunger...we laughed...it wasnt funny at the time, i almost saw him die but manged to stop the guy at the last second,(totally unprovoked incident) but afterward we laughed and laughed out of nervousness and how random it was...he retold the story because he knew it would make me laugh.. Sometime we laugh and how crazy and fucked up everything is..not because its funny but because we have to sometimes...takes the edge off..
so it was good..i felt usefull, i feel like people trust me in their space which really comes in handy when im packing up there stuff and shuffling them off to the chill lounge or to the hospital ectect i think in part its because im really comfortable with them in my space, im totally not guarded unless my intuition tells me to be, and i also dont leave my i \phone lying around to get stolen-....happened once...never again
tomorrow is my friday! as well for the record..i took a few less punches today..or maybe she threw a few less but i did give her a fat lip!!!love boxing,,,hilarious..
So i felt on point about that. Funny even as i write that i realize how hard that cocept might be for people to digest..like aren't i helping people use drugs..ya i sure am, but once you make the choice to walk through those doors..thAtS JUST IT, YOUVEMADE THAT choice..and chances are , by even glancing on the streets around u..or anywhere for that matter people will make choices and do them , regardless. As well...even tho im an addict and i know in my deepest of deepest hearts that it doesnt matter if i dont want to drink or use when i was in the cycle, i was completely in it. On a hamster wheel in the self made prison, even tho i know that for me to be true..working there has sealed the deal..talking with people every day has sealed the deal of the insanity of addiction. There is not one person that hasnt at some point talked to me about the fact that they want to stop, everyone does, no one wants to do what they are doing. yet somehow there is this notion that people are just being assholes and trying to disobey the law because they are bad people. So far from the fucking truth..look at cigarettes, same deal, no one wants to smoke..all smokers want to quit, if they say they dont i say they are lying.
Anyway im not sure of the point of that rant but i guesss i just wish everyone could work at my work for a day and see how painful it is, and see how human these people are. I see a good bunch of them more then my own family, they know me like the back of their hand, they know when im happy sad, distracted. Tonight i had a moment were i was thinking about my BF and how we just had to end things because he lives in a different country..i wasnt in the mood to engage and one of my favs( i may have like 200) was asking me whats wrong?whats wrong? nothing i tell him, im tired, he tells me im lying and trys to make me laugh ny recounting a time in the winter when a guy almost killed him with garbage plunger...we laughed...it wasnt funny at the time, i almost saw him die but manged to stop the guy at the last second,(totally unprovoked incident) but afterward we laughed and laughed out of nervousness and how random it was...he retold the story because he knew it would make me laugh.. Sometime we laugh and how crazy and fucked up everything is..not because its funny but because we have to sometimes...takes the edge off..
so it was good..i felt usefull, i feel like people trust me in their space which really comes in handy when im packing up there stuff and shuffling them off to the chill lounge or to the hospital ectect i think in part its because im really comfortable with them in my space, im totally not guarded unless my intuition tells me to be, and i also dont leave my i \phone lying around to get stolen-....happened once...never again
tomorrow is my friday! as well for the record..i took a few less punches today..or maybe she threw a few less but i did give her a fat lip!!!love boxing,,,hilarious..
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Insite Toronto?
TORONTO - On the evening of Tuesday September 15th at Toronto City Hall, please join Liz Evans, Executive Director and founder of the PHS Community Services Society which operates Insite, North America's first and only supervised injection facility.
Liz Evans will outline the success of life-saving drug harm reduction measures implemented in Vancouver's Downtown Eastside neighbourhood and facilitate discussion on how Toronto can work to reduce drug related harm for individuals and the whole community.
WHO: Liz Evans, Executive Director and Founder of the PHS Community Services Society, who operates Insite, Vancouver's Supervised Injection Site.
WHAT: Discussion on Harm Reduction and building a comprehensive approach to drug addiction.
WHEN: 7 PM, Tuesday September 15th, 2009.
WHERE: Toronto City Hall, 100 Queen Street West. Committee Room 4.
Despite support from the City of Vancouver, Vancouver Police, and the BC Government, as well as evidence outlined in more than 30 academic papers published in peer reviewed scientific journals like the Lancet, New England Journal of Medicine, British Medical Journal and the Canadian Medical Association Journal, Stephen Harper continues to ignore scientists, doctors, nurses and his own Health Canada funded reports - leaving Insite's future uncertain.
This special presentation and discussion is part of a public education effort to build support for evidence based, pragmatic and compassionate initiatives like Insite, which have been scientifically proven to prevent drug overdose deaths, limit spread of HIV/AIDS and Hepatitis, reduce public disorder, and move more people into detox and addiction treatment.
For more information regarding this event please contact Mark Townsend by calling 604-720-3050.
Liz Evans will outline the success of life-saving drug harm reduction measures implemented in Vancouver's Downtown Eastside neighbourhood and facilitate discussion on how Toronto can work to reduce drug related harm for individuals and the whole community.
WHO: Liz Evans, Executive Director and Founder of the PHS Community Services Society, who operates Insite, Vancouver's Supervised Injection Site.
WHAT: Discussion on Harm Reduction and building a comprehensive approach to drug addiction.
WHEN: 7 PM, Tuesday September 15th, 2009.
WHERE: Toronto City Hall, 100 Queen Street West. Committee Room 4.
Despite support from the City of Vancouver, Vancouver Police, and the BC Government, as well as evidence outlined in more than 30 academic papers published in peer reviewed scientific journals like the Lancet, New England Journal of Medicine, British Medical Journal and the Canadian Medical Association Journal, Stephen Harper continues to ignore scientists, doctors, nurses and his own Health Canada funded reports - leaving Insite's future uncertain.
This special presentation and discussion is part of a public education effort to build support for evidence based, pragmatic and compassionate initiatives like Insite, which have been scientifically proven to prevent drug overdose deaths, limit spread of HIV/AIDS and Hepatitis, reduce public disorder, and move more people into detox and addiction treatment.
For more information regarding this event please contact Mark Townsend by calling 604-720-3050.
GEMS
I forgot to post these gems from check-nite last Wednesday...i just want to highlight that's its not always a sad moment in the DTES and yes by looking at pic- i dont mean to poke fun at all but his women was seriously giving it her all while rocking out to her Walkman..doing a two step...side step...snapping fingers..up and down the side of Hastings..like Patrick Swayzes side step in the end of dirty dancing..love it...
alot happens in general
work was good. thats it- ha not really....work was good tho..i felt solid on the inside to be able to be in the outside...with work that is. I tried to make conscience decisions, in all the interactions that i could be present enough to remind myself, to think of the other person. Trying to train myself to put other peoples needs before mine. Strictly to save myself form myself..i love selfish selflessness. Its funny i was going to write earlier when i blogged, i was sitting here and the phone rang and it was a girl that i sponsor in the program, my first feeling was to not pick up the phone, my resistance is almost immediate, i actually have to tell myself to pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone. And i did , after we got off i thought to myself that girl just saved my life for a moment and she may never know,what a relief to talk about whats going on for her and help her in anyway i can...why the resistance...why since i know that its the only thing that frees me from the bondage of myself..and because its the right thing to do- ohhh right i have such an aversion to the do the things thats are right for me...at leat some of the time anyway...just being honest, but really its works ,its with her and others that keep me out of drowning implies of my own shit. Wow that sounds disgusting..but i guess it is really.
Anyway less about my own personal darkness. Today was pleasant in some ways..today i showed up at work, today when i came back from my break on of the guys im fairly close with overdosed. Like literally i walked in the door and looked over and walked over to him with my co-worker, we managed to bring him back with oxygen, which is always in every ones favor. Often we will use narcan if they dont come out of it, for heroin that is, but as soon as you wake up from narcan you are dope sick because its an opiate anitagonist as well it only lasts 30 min so there is always the risk of od again if they get un-sick again...alive but dope sick, so oxygen tank worked and eventually we got him stabilized before calling 911. This as you may not know helps tremendously in a variety of ways...the amount of stress that goes into your body from overdosing..the longer your brain lacks oxygen on all ready comprised immune systems ...the cost of a 911 call, ambulance ride, trip to hospital, intake to then probably leave if they even go to the hospital..oh right and he didn't die.. after a while on
his way out we hugged and he said perhaps wasn't a good day to die, i agreed.
I also go to check out a meeting that one of my friends sponsors ups tars in the detox- caught the last half and it made me proud in a way to be sober...made me feel good to see some more of my fallen soldiers sitting a touch upright..maybe this the time they stay sober maybe not. QV was there..day 6, another one of my favs LU just got up yesterday..i brought them some chocolate.
As well i had one client say something that i really needed to hear. He was inquiring about a change of clothes, i grabbed him an outfit from the back and let his use the restroom to change. he later thanked me and told me that the little minute i spent with him helping him with his hygiene gave him the motivation to shave and wash up and feel a bit better . He said that the little bit of hope i gave him with fresh clothes made him hate himself just a second less in that moment. I could have framed him comment and kept it in my pocket so i remember, remember when i cannot see a difference even tho i know it may be there.
tomorrow my goal is too not get punched a million times like mondays boxing/sparing...dear diary , strange concept, sparing with one of your best Friends... new to me...we have decided to open the lines of communication so we can spar and have it be separate from our friendship while learning how to respect and trust each other while we are training. But i also have a cracked rib so maybe i will ease up on that....
i feel extremely not creative about my post...its feel stagnant- hmmmone thing else i remember is one of my clients told me tonight that the best thing i have going for me is myself.. note to self for myself...
Anyway less about my own personal darkness. Today was pleasant in some ways..today i showed up at work, today when i came back from my break on of the guys im fairly close with overdosed. Like literally i walked in the door and looked over and walked over to him with my co-worker, we managed to bring him back with oxygen, which is always in every ones favor. Often we will use narcan if they dont come out of it, for heroin that is, but as soon as you wake up from narcan you are dope sick because its an opiate anitagonist as well it only lasts 30 min so there is always the risk of od again if they get un-sick again...alive but dope sick, so oxygen tank worked and eventually we got him stabilized before calling 911. This as you may not know helps tremendously in a variety of ways...the amount of stress that goes into your body from overdosing..the longer your brain lacks oxygen on all ready comprised immune systems ...the cost of a 911 call, ambulance ride, trip to hospital, intake to then probably leave if they even go to the hospital..oh right and he didn't die.. after a while on
his way out we hugged and he said perhaps wasn't a good day to die, i agreed.
I also go to check out a meeting that one of my friends sponsors ups tars in the detox- caught the last half and it made me proud in a way to be sober...made me feel good to see some more of my fallen soldiers sitting a touch upright..maybe this the time they stay sober maybe not. QV was there..day 6, another one of my favs LU just got up yesterday..i brought them some chocolate.
As well i had one client say something that i really needed to hear. He was inquiring about a change of clothes, i grabbed him an outfit from the back and let his use the restroom to change. he later thanked me and told me that the little minute i spent with him helping him with his hygiene gave him the motivation to shave and wash up and feel a bit better . He said that the little bit of hope i gave him with fresh clothes made him hate himself just a second less in that moment. I could have framed him comment and kept it in my pocket so i remember, remember when i cannot see a difference even tho i know it may be there.
tomorrow my goal is too not get punched a million times like mondays boxing/sparing...dear diary , strange concept, sparing with one of your best Friends... new to me...we have decided to open the lines of communication so we can spar and have it be separate from our friendship while learning how to respect and trust each other while we are training. But i also have a cracked rib so maybe i will ease up on that....
i feel extremely not creative about my post...its feel stagnant- hmmmone thing else i remember is one of my clients told me tonight that the best thing i have going for me is myself.. note to self for myself...
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
mini rant..
its dayslike this were i like to use the fact that i have alot of stuff going on as reason to not write. My fear that my social commentary about my work and culture of drugs i am in 4 days a week 9 hours a nite, will turn into me talking about my problems blah blah..but on the real tip is has been an intense week...so intense that iam surprised by my ability to function on a "pretty ok" level. After reading my 7am rant the other morning i got to thinking that i hope it doesn't come off like i dislike my job..i mean ya 8am is disgusting when you havent slept but im not a victim of it and obv i choose to show up at work, i think because my life outside of work is so blessed that it sometimes shields me and allows me to step inside situations, places, moments,sleep dept and be okay..like an outsider looking in.. make any sense
So ya dextox was a lovely refreshing change..i think everyone that work at insite hsold pop upstairs and see what sobriety looks like on people. i needed it..it was like a renuinion , alot of the time people you see everyday just disspaear,only to trickle down 2 weeks later for a smoke with like 20 pounds on and a soul behind their eyes..thats were they have been..its amaing that above the swirling choas of the injection site..above the massive amounts of drugs that pass threw that place..all the energy,paraphernalia and drama that floatong above it all are people trying to get sober. The second floor consists of a detox, 7-14 days..i think depending.. super nice facility considering. Vancouver only has 3 detoxs, our is one of them, the other two are a little rougher, at mine you get your own rommectect..
Afetr that phase yougo to the 3 floor were ideally you will be planning what to do when your done, ie/treatment or housing..remembering that alot people that go through our place are homeless..so even getting clena for a month and getting a place to live is a huge milestone. So the 3rd floor was were i worked and like i said i needed to see it. I think in the future i need to work in that environment, i feel i have alot to offer..i guess i have alot too ffer both on the front lines and behind the scenes but maybe the latter might be good for a change, well see what the universe says on that.
i couldn't believe how when i went downstairs how intense the energy is and how much i dont notice while im in it..its when your in a room with something that smells..and you adjust to it, someone walks in and is like wtf dude..thats how it felt..i walked downstairs and was like wtf..ha only to work last night and be perfectly comfortable down there..in the pit..on the front lines..amongst the pain and chaos..
on a really brightnote QV made it up to detox..the one from ottawa..hey maybe this time is different!
So ya dextox was a lovely refreshing change..i think everyone that work at insite hsold pop upstairs and see what sobriety looks like on people. i needed it..it was like a renuinion , alot of the time people you see everyday just disspaear,only to trickle down 2 weeks later for a smoke with like 20 pounds on and a soul behind their eyes..thats were they have been..its amaing that above the swirling choas of the injection site..above the massive amounts of drugs that pass threw that place..all the energy,paraphernalia and drama that floatong above it all are people trying to get sober. The second floor consists of a detox, 7-14 days..i think depending.. super nice facility considering. Vancouver only has 3 detoxs, our is one of them, the other two are a little rougher, at mine you get your own rommectect..
Afetr that phase yougo to the 3 floor were ideally you will be planning what to do when your done, ie/treatment or housing..remembering that alot people that go through our place are homeless..so even getting clena for a month and getting a place to live is a huge milestone. So the 3rd floor was were i worked and like i said i needed to see it. I think in the future i need to work in that environment, i feel i have alot to offer..i guess i have alot too ffer both on the front lines and behind the scenes but maybe the latter might be good for a change, well see what the universe says on that.
i couldn't believe how when i went downstairs how intense the energy is and how much i dont notice while im in it..its when your in a room with something that smells..and you adjust to it, someone walks in and is like wtf dude..thats how it felt..i walked downstairs and was like wtf..ha only to work last night and be perfectly comfortable down there..in the pit..on the front lines..amongst the pain and chaos..
on a really brightnote QV made it up to detox..the one from ottawa..hey maybe this time is different!
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