its true

its true its been a while, too long. I looked up this blog the other night with a client at work. i guess the bain of my exsistence with writting is that i do it, i love it and then i dont think its good enough. With work i guess i went threw a patch where to write about it was too much, the burn out the rested onmy shoulders only gave me more pain when i sat at 4am trying to hash out the night. it ceased to help and only furthered my thoughts about working there, only fuirthered my insomnia, only clouded my dreams more. The other night i dreamt i found a new amazing apartment, vast and with high ceiling, it was full of antiques and felt lived in a nd cozy, just withint the living room i glaced to a long bright hallway, attached to my new apartment was the injection room of the safe injection site. There it was, trickling over amoangst the boxes i wsh to unpack wihere my clients, picking htrew stuff and wanting my attention. i found refuge in a hole inthe wall, a latch door opened to someone elses house in the ceilig, it opened right up to the middle of a dounut shaped couch. The attic dwelling was full of prostitutes and drug dealers. I ended up having breakfast with them. Thus is life right. Ha. SInce the last whilem ihave taken a few time outs from work. I have shed some sweat blood and defiuantly tears for that place. I worked threw watching someone become homelss and take a turn for the worse, and yes it can get way worse from just living there to not having a home. My client started to give up onhimslef completly, having to walk away at the end of the night, him crouched down having a smoke, shameful fro yellignat us, embarresed for his situation, mad at the world, hopeless. I went threw the motions of not being able to find any help, emialsmapt , no house, no dice. Finally he goty housubng threw our hotels and now ive watched him coime back tohimself, with shreds of intigirty , the bareminum of confidence withknowing that your shoes wont get stolen when yoyu go to sleep. I have had lots of ods. one that stands out to me. one that got me someome where and may deserve more writting at soem points. I went away, i fell in love, i had my first boxing match, i swore that iwoukd stop working nights, i promised to look for more work. i still show up and feel that something within me is attached to that place, those people, the moments that strike me as being so raw and precious that i rarely experience anwhere else. Am i willing to trade that in for a day life. i dont know. im trying to just do that foot work and stay out of the results. im trying to take care of myself so that i can be the best that i can to the people i love. All the while look forward. The other night i found a 3 month chip from AA at the nurses stattion in the injection room. Oneof the nurses was like " whats that? a chocolate coin?" inside i say to myself..that my dear is the only thing that seperates me from the people that walk threw my door. I picked it up and put it in my pocket. Maybe i wont forget for another day.

My girl, the one that gave me my 6 year coin is back in rehab...safe ..she sounds amazing..im so here for her..one more time..maybe this is the time..because one of the times, if there will be a time , has to be a time..so why no this time. make sense?

highlights

This was a super cool event, held in the alley behind the carnigie . Alot of the local services in the DTES had booths and tables will info about what they do. My work had one were we hadned out supplies and talked to people about harm reduction and work ectect.. There was food and smoothies and massages. Tons of shit. This type of stuff totally seals the deal baout what type of work i like. So badley need to be on the front lines, in a job that offers me freedom and independance. In the last month ive been looking into other options, well just with one place. The treatment center i went to in 2003. They have a vacouver branch, i had an interveiw and it went well, the position is good, i mean its a "good job". but the more i thought about being in an office and worse being confinred to one boss, or even way worse i dont know if i coul handle dealing with a different demegraphic after working in the ghetto. I get that service to people is service no matter who they are and hwat ecomnic situation they live in, but after walking threw the bottom of the bottom i dont know how many cup cake problems i could deal with. Anyway i decded to stay were iam and see what happens. My bosses offered and set me up with taking this bearvement training course. Super interesting, basically we are learning how be more equipped to deal with people who are going threw immense amount of trauma and greif, which would be all the couple hundred people i come into contact with during a work shift. Am hopeful that maybe it will help me deal with my own greif, wether thats just the greif of watching human suffering ectect or past greif in my life. iam working at the 3rd floor again tonight..there is alot of time here, time that im pracitcing my typing and blogging before the sun comes up and i go off on some crazy tangent about seagulls..luckly this time i have sunglasses and a ride home..

how cool is this?

so resourceful, one of my clients found this bar and Styrofoam on the beach, cut it and created a xylophone. this guy is soooo super amazing at guitar and harmonica, can sing and basically play any instrument.i love how things dont go to waste down here..

spelling mistakes

i realize this computer at work in the staff room doeant have auto spell check- therefore i predict massive spelling mistakes, but hey who cares, no one reads this really. I had a really self centered thought the other day that maybe i would delete this blog. For a few reasons, i always want a space to write and then i want to share it, then i give people my blog address then i get self conscince of qhat im writtng and wish to be anoymous. The reality is most people i gave this address to dont read it, life right people get busy whatever...i should know this. Also i started thinking just about my work, and maybe i wasnt being secret enough, like maybe what i write may reflect badely from an opion i have ectect. Like would my co-workers feel like it wasnt acurate blah blah, this is the garabge that cycled through my head. But i guess after taking a week off from writting i feel like its fine, i feel like my opion is honest and generally in the best ibntrest of my work and the people i serve, authentically so whatever. Plus who the fuck is going to know or care enough about what "iam" writting. seriously right?

so yes i took that week off, and rightfully so. My week was full of madness..seriously...sober madness..diffferent madness from this place..whatver life is madness. So last week..pms like a fucking freight train..equals zero copping skills...had a moment were my roomate asked what was wrong...a million fbombs went off..i took the night off work and did some errrands that were piling up on me. Real awesome, my new roomate also works for us and could take my shift..super bonus, asiodes from the fact that sometmes he is my spitual hero. So helpful it really blows my mind, he reallt actually thinks of thers..like his actions say that. So that..also we got a cat..man, let me just say note to self;

**** when adopting a cat from a stranger..DONT get an un-nuterted male DO- make sure it has had its shots DONT - put it in a house full of other animals***

the result was a week full of cat piss, it pissed on the walls, on michelles couch, on my couch, on breannas back pack, on her other backpack, on her pillow, onmy computer chair, on michelles boots, on my bag of work clothes, on the table cloths, in the bathrioon, in the bathtub could add infinitum...ectect

right so there was that, we borrowed a blacklight and spent a few evening cracking out with it looking for spray..ive never experienced anythig like that. Thank god for johan..who found a place to get it nutred, got a special littler box and kept him in his room and slowely we reintroduced him back to society. Fail, right..? we have been treating him like he has been in active addiction and now back from detox we are loving him till he loves himself. I named him chaos and he is quite charming this week...i dont think hes peed on anything but again ive had the swineflu or somethnglike it cv\\and cant smell..so maybe im just naive..

thats that...falling in and out and back in love..a whole completly different story..a story that my mind barely wraps around, a story that confuses me enough to just set asode(as much as i can) to just focus on whats right in front of me...life is so much easier when what i deal with is looking me righ tback in the eyes..sometimes i can do it other times im lost in a sea of my toughts..tonight was a bitlike that..i guess thats whythis post has primary been about me and not whats up with work...i will get into that when i gethome..helped faciatate a documentary that was filmed here about work and johann.. that went well but perhaps i will write later..

its the eve of check night and the IR is quite..i feel better aboutmy mini rant..hmmm write as if no one is readng,,that needs to be my moto..because really maybe no one is and if they are..well its just my reality..

fasttrack...

just finsihing my break and trying to write before the weekend hits..its my friday and i have a friend coming up this weekend and im easiely distracted. My life is soooooo full, i can barelt manage all the great things in my life. For real my biggest problem is staying on top of all the stuff that is going on..95% of it good stuff. I actually can say in this moment that i really feel grateful. Last night at work was super weird..we had to come in @11 and finsihed the shift, my body was not sure wether it was morning..night whatever..i now itsnot good for you to be working late nights. So i got the opportuinty to go to a 42 year cake right before work> this man has 42 years of sobriety and alot of poeple at the meeting had lots of clean time as well. There really is a certian vibe when your ina room with sooooo much wisdoim and strength, not a dry eye in the house. He also has altimzers so he repreated alot of the same thing. Since it takes me a while to hear things and aparently i need to be reminded all the time of were i came from, i found it helpful. He kept saying that AA had taught him how to not listen to himself, i hear that. AA has taught me that perhaps what i think isnt true, maybe what i think is a good idea is really ooaded with self seeking alterir motives, that maybe its hard to fix my mind with my mind because my mind will always take me back to be self centered. TRUE DAT! another lovely part of that meeting was i got to see two of my clients who are now sober. Seriously, these twon men are like a light in my life, i ran ito them while i was doing a group at the local recovery house. One of them didnt reconzie me from my work untill he saw my tattoo on my wrist, he said that he was always looking down and reconzied my wrist from my work. Amazing right...spent the last how ever many years always staring at the ground. Now both of them are living together and almost have a year sober each, when they see me there eyes shine! itssuch a bond to have known them at the bottom, in the trenches, my fallen soldiars that got to get up and walk again and we both know how truely incredible it is that they are alive and well. SOOOOOO happy, so happy that i can do that before i come here, makes me feel good when i then talk about my experience in recovery when clients ask because i can say 100% that i know there is another way, i know its possible,that they are not different and that it will be there for them if they ever want it. I truely believe that were there is life there is hope!

Table hockey?