its true

its true its been a while, too long. I looked up this blog the other night with a client at work. i guess the bain of my exsistence with writting is that i do it, i love it and then i dont think its good enough. With work i guess i went threw a patch where to write about it was too much, the burn out the rested onmy shoulders only gave me more pain when i sat at 4am trying to hash out the night. it ceased to help and only furthered my thoughts about working there, only fuirthered my insomnia, only clouded my dreams more. The other night i dreamt i found a new amazing apartment, vast and with high ceiling, it was full of antiques and felt lived in a nd cozy, just withint the living room i glaced to a long bright hallway, attached to my new apartment was the injection room of the safe injection site. There it was, trickling over amoangst the boxes i wsh to unpack wihere my clients, picking htrew stuff and wanting my attention. i found refuge in a hole inthe wall, a latch door opened to someone elses house in the ceilig, it opened right up to the middle of a dounut shaped couch. The attic dwelling was full of prostitutes and drug dealers. I ended up having breakfast with them. Thus is life right. Ha. SInce the last whilem ihave taken a few time outs from work. I have shed some sweat blood and defiuantly tears for that place. I worked threw watching someone become homelss and take a turn for the worse, and yes it can get way worse from just living there to not having a home. My client started to give up onhimslef completly, having to walk away at the end of the night, him crouched down having a smoke, shameful fro yellignat us, embarresed for his situation, mad at the world, hopeless. I went threw the motions of not being able to find any help, emialsmapt , no house, no dice. Finally he goty housubng threw our hotels and now ive watched him coime back tohimself, with shreds of intigirty , the bareminum of confidence withknowing that your shoes wont get stolen when yoyu go to sleep. I have had lots of ods. one that stands out to me. one that got me someome where and may deserve more writting at soem points. I went away, i fell in love, i had my first boxing match, i swore that iwoukd stop working nights, i promised to look for more work. i still show up and feel that something within me is attached to that place, those people, the moments that strike me as being so raw and precious that i rarely experience anwhere else. Am i willing to trade that in for a day life. i dont know. im trying to just do that foot work and stay out of the results. im trying to take care of myself so that i can be the best that i can to the people i love. All the while look forward. The other night i found a 3 month chip from AA at the nurses stattion in the injection room. Oneof the nurses was like " whats that? a chocolate coin?" inside i say to myself..that my dear is the only thing that seperates me from the people that walk threw my door. I picked it up and put it in my pocket. Maybe i wont forget for another day.

My girl, the one that gave me my 6 year coin is back in rehab...safe ..she sounds amazing..im so here for her..one more time..maybe this is the time..because one of the times, if there will be a time , has to be a time..so why no this time. make sense?

highlights

This was a super cool event, held in the alley behind the carnigie . Alot of the local services in the DTES had booths and tables will info about what they do. My work had one were we hadned out supplies and talked to people about harm reduction and work ectect.. There was food and smoothies and massages. Tons of shit. This type of stuff totally seals the deal baout what type of work i like. So badley need to be on the front lines, in a job that offers me freedom and independance. In the last month ive been looking into other options, well just with one place. The treatment center i went to in 2003. They have a vacouver branch, i had an interveiw and it went well, the position is good, i mean its a "good job". but the more i thought about being in an office and worse being confinred to one boss, or even way worse i dont know if i coul handle dealing with a different demegraphic after working in the ghetto. I get that service to people is service no matter who they are and hwat ecomnic situation they live in, but after walking threw the bottom of the bottom i dont know how many cup cake problems i could deal with. Anyway i decded to stay were iam and see what happens. My bosses offered and set me up with taking this bearvement training course. Super interesting, basically we are learning how be more equipped to deal with people who are going threw immense amount of trauma and greif, which would be all the couple hundred people i come into contact with during a work shift. Am hopeful that maybe it will help me deal with my own greif, wether thats just the greif of watching human suffering ectect or past greif in my life. iam working at the 3rd floor again tonight..there is alot of time here, time that im pracitcing my typing and blogging before the sun comes up and i go off on some crazy tangent about seagulls..luckly this time i have sunglasses and a ride home..