Friday, July 31, 2009

frazel dazel...

hmmm how do i start. well im defiantly bailing on working 7 nights in a row...i was thinking on ride home that even tho right now i feel like i could just keep working, in fact im so much in the mode that i feel like i could work the next 2 weeks straight, that its good fro me not to. Funny how once your in there you just become adjusted to the swing of it, work that is. That its easier in the eye of the storm then on your way through it. The ride home was super lovely, right now the weather affords tank top and warm breezes at 4am. One of my most favorite times to ride my bmx home..its like you own the time stopped..or the world ended..or i guess in reality everyone is sleeping..but i prefer to think of it my own concrete jungle were i run stoplights and ride on the side walk..helps with the come down...of work.

Tonight proved to be less then expected. Not as busy a little more high pun intended... per individual. I think as the weekend rolls along when tempers and tantrums and tired takes over. Sleep dep completely is the worst free drug out there.. most of what people see on the street when others are totally flailing about is lack of sleep...Onyl one overdose tonight..but a defiante life was saved, he went down hard. He came in right prior then left because he lost his flap, he bought a new one came back in and od'd. I wasnt present for itbut we almost had another later on...sometimes people come out of it once they have had enough oxygen, which is good because it is was less stressful to already compromised bodies.

I worked the front desk for the beginning..i was thinking baout how you could actually describe what its like up there, especially when it get s crazy..I had a vision of standing in front of a hail of bullets...but the differnace being im not dodging them, more like catching each and everyone..imagine how satisfying that is. I have mastered an art of multi tasking..k in the same breath the phone rings, 8 people walk in, one wants into the chill, one wants a garbage bag, ones picking up supplies, 4 want on the list and are fighting about who was first, one of those are barred and imon the phone trying to tel lthe, while pouring a glass of water and grabbing a garbage bag. i hang up the one, buzz the door, it rings again, i have everyone down on the list 6 more people come in, one leaving a message for someone else..another person is looking for someone and runs into the waiting room to try t o get into the chill, i have to get up tell them to leave with remembering the 4 poeple that are on the list on my way back they want to know the order while i realize im out of rigs and i phione back to the ir to get some, in the same moment someone comes in to see the nurse ectectetctetcgetc6tetcs w"HRFwoihfwpkihf;kwiphfkwihnfkwlif.....and all of this is the MOST IMPoRTANT THING!!!!!!!!!!!

and that doesnt even come close to describing it... can you beleieve i actually like AND THRIVE IN THAT KIND OF CHAOS.. well most times, if im not onpoint i dont want to be up there because i dont believe the other people should suffer from my intolerance.

Otherwise had some nice heart to hearts..seemed like the topic of the night was the end of the world, Armageddon, global warming, were all the bees and birds have gone>? global warming? Man there are some people i love down there with all my heart.

Talking to this one women who ive built a relationship with..i dont like the way that sounds, this women...hmm one of my favs..?love her..anyway she was having a tough time and she was telling me how she felt like she had no way out, couldnt see it, defiantly couldnt feel it. sometimes when i have those conversations i really dont know what to say...and i realized a bit more that i dont have to say anything, i dont have to find an answer for her or a light at the end of the tunnel, i dont have to do anything but listen, most of the time thats all anyone wants..unless she asks me specifically? or directly..and of course i might make light suggestions, she knows we have a detox upstairs and i would encourage her to go but for the most part she just needs someone to listen. Thats a pretty liberation thought from my arrogance of having to solve the worlds problems. Anyway tangant but we were talking and she says "i have to get out of here, wait you have to get out of here too..why do you work here? dont you get attached to all of us?"...
im like honey, are you kidding me, of corse i get i come home sometmes and cant shake the shit but no word of a lie working down there has afforded me the opportunity to practice loving people in that exact moment, loving them knwoing that tomorrow they may tell me to fuck off,loving them while they tell me they want to die, loving them not knowing any sort of result or outcome intheir lives, loving them with no security or guarantee of return, loving them not knowing if they will live or die the next day..real talk...learning that and then taking it into the same world that i live in. That , only now retrospectively is one of the reasons i most defiantly work down there.

Think thats it for me tonight...night off tomrrow!!!!!!!!

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