commitment to commitment

so this weekend i took 5 people super close to me to a place thats super close to my heart. The place i grew up, i travel there as often as i can. Its only a ferry ride away but sometimes it feels alot further. My dad and his brother built the house on a piece of property that bought for 30,000, i moved in a few days after i was born and had the experience of growing up there my whole life. Every crumb and corner of the house i have a million memories in, every square inches marks my life in some way or another. Good and really bad. The last time my parents let me house sit i lost alot of their faith in me. I ruined my relationship just a bit more with them and the people who live besides us and watched me grow up. I hammered one more nail in the coffin of disappointment and to be honest, ive done aot of things in my life but this one stands out to me as one thing i would take back.

This weekend, although just another weekend living the dream with some of the best people i know, is so very symbolic of how different my life is, how different my values are and how incredible things can be. I say incredible and i mean that even though all we did was eat and laugh and validate all of our narcissism by having endless photos shoots of ourselves!!!! oh well!!! but really it feels good and i need it..i know i ve written a few posts back about how important it is that i live in the sunlight on my days off..( and more importantly my life_ not to confuse my life happening only when i have days off) but just considering the old work place, it really is true.

Last week i didnt write..every night i came home and thought briefly about the night and considered that nothing worth witting about happened. I think whats really happened is that i have a huge issue with following through on things that are remotly good for me..i seem to be real cosisnet with following through with that bag of peanut butter m&mss. But hence the title of this post, we were sitting around the table eating blackberrie crumble talking about what we would like to change about ourselves..one thing... Mine is commitment..following though..cant stand my flakiness... why is it...and i know its niot only me, i think the whole entire world suffered from this...and just for questions sake..why is it that i cant seem todo the things i want to do, like i have zero self discipline half the time..is there an ideal that im over shooting..? anyway thats how i feel about this blog, my work, my commitments to thigs i would like for myself..and again i think i may actually have 4 other blogs that say " no really this time im going to write everyday " ha but really this time im going to write...well lets be "human" about it...almost and one day at a time- no pressure but for real try every(most) days...

wait sint this a work blog.... all the same shit...i love my job..im addicted to my job..i completly 100% support harm reduction and feel so passionate about human rights and addiction, but even with that said, sometimes i dontknow if its right for me..or maybe sometimes i need soooooo much sunlight to come out on top from there, like this weekend i felt like i was shotgunning a bottle full of friendship serum to keep me going. Well that sounds a touch dramatic.

I will say it again and again, i have so much love for people that live outside and have nothing and spend every waking thought and moment finding their next fix. I see my storie intertwined in theirs, i see allife in the lives of people who suffer and in those moments i feel like im doing the right thing. By being connected and myself , sometimes just having a conversation with someone like i would any other person means something even if just for a second. Sigh i guess i can find that anywhere and everywhere with everyone i come in contact with. I guess its just somethings i feel karmaclly in debited to those down and out.

Tonight i feel grateful to be sober..