it really feels like its taking me alot to actually sit down and write this evening/morning. I find so much resistance to writing even though i love the end result. I love being able to look back at moments in my time. I always wish to freeze frame them and keep them in my pocket . This way i freeze frame my life on the Internet. My hope was that writing about my work would give me material and motivation to do so, sometimes yes, sometimes no. Tonight again, and i really have to say, again that this week has blown my mind in manageability, was totally pleasant.
No overdoses, no crazy bars, no temper tantrums, one stabbing in the back alley through word of mouth, a little bit of hand holding.., no line ups,alot of methadone power going around. Which i never got how you shoot methadone but now know that it comes originally in a powder. Which is really strong because obviously its synthetic so it isnt stepped on by many dirty hands.
had one moment today helping a guy, he came in and i didnt notice him at first. He asked me if i could shoot it for him, which i explained was a big NO,we call that doctoring and its completely against our policy. He said he hadn't done it in a while and so i watched to make sure he did it safely. We got to talking and he told me that he had been clean for 17 years off cocaine, recently he had started drinking gain and was super depressed, he told me that early this evening he had thought about killing himself but instead came to insite to use. There are many different factors in this story and as you can imagine sometimes i get mixed feelings..strictly coming from a sober perspective. Its like my personal view on absence and my global philosophy on harm reduction are very close and very not. For me with this mans story , he talked about the fact that the pain of living had just gotten so great that he needed to go out and do more research, he told me he thought alot about it and wanted to use. In no way during this conversation did i agree or disagree with what he was saying, because i really dont feel either way about what he should do, but when it comes to my life and sobriety i absolutely disagree. hmmmm does that even make sense. i guess that particular interaction stuck me because in the moment i feel a pang of guilt or disservice when ifound out that he had been clean, but in the same breath i know that i have to separate those things with my work because iam providing a service and im not a councilor or the morality police or of any authority to decide what people do with their life, im merly a there to make sure your breathing and use alcohol swabs...and a million other things... its just sometimes i gothrough work like the back of my hand..going through the motions and then get reminded of whats actually going on in front of me, and even more so what goes on in front ofme in realtion to my own life/past/experience. Weird shit.
Anyway thats one thing that stuck out for tonight. i hope that man finds what he was looking..
It felt good to go to work after a day or sitting in the sun being with a bunch of fucking amazing people i know, its soooooo unbelievably important to me that in order to step into the darkness every night i need to be filled with the light man. I really cant forget that...its crazy how much people down there notice every mood, thought, vibe, change i go though. I cant loose (or gain) a pound without someone noticing..tonight people noticed that there was a light in my eyes and it felt good to relay my day to them through my attitude..its really incredible how much that can have an effect on people. the world. myself.