Friday, August 28, 2009

i want to finish this story

but i probaly wont. yesterday in boxing i bruised a rib and sprained my thumb. i took a mental health day off work.. last night was a smooth welfare. With QV - my friend that was back in town from ottawa and went to jail. Fuck i felt for him, this is defiantly a story i hear often. When guys go t ojail get some clean time and want to change or stop or anything other then what they are doing, but then get released into nothing, no plan, no money no nothing. he came downtown and the only place he could go was my work, or the church shelter up the street. We chated for a while and he was in a totally panic, he wanted so bad to not use but couldnt help himself. While we talked i could see both sides of him.. saying things and wanting them being so frustrated that he knew he couldnt even trust himself, so fucking cholked that he coukdnt just not use, wanting to be locked up. He was going to ask the cops if they would put him back in jail. I really didnt know what to suggest, i told him maybe hit one and go back to jail. WTF solution, we laughed about that. He said my co-worker who does intake for upstairs detox he promised he could go n tomorrow if he was there at ten am. He knew that if he used tonight the cycle would continue and he wouldn't be there at ten am, or want to get clean. Its crazy but in that very moment i believe he would or could if there was a way but it a race against yourself and your moves so fast even if you think your one step a head, you have one justification one rationalization even minor and its complete knee jerk reaction. So i found him a shleter out of the TDES and go thim a safe ride and he left. He called me from there and thanked me.

And this is what happened, he came back at like one, stuck in his head, sleeping with the enemy he decides for whatever he tells himself to come back. He sees me i know hes disappointed in himself and i think for self preservation sake tells me hes going to go sleep at the church and be here for detox tomorrow. We both know this inst going to happen but i say sure. hugs and goodnight. He didnt make it in, its check night and i havent seen him. Im sure he will stay away a few days because it makes him feel shity. I wish there was something and somewere that worked on an emergancy basis. Its stuff like this that i know makes working with addictions for some people so frustrating and so easy to give up on.

I had texted a friends earlier about whether or not he knew anywere QV could go, this friend also used to use in the DTES and his reply was that he would but has a thing with QV and all the help he has done for him in the past. i dont blame him, i understand and kind of resent him for saying that at the same time. I get it, how many times, how many heart breaks, how many suicide attempts, how many infections and charges, right i get it. But fuck man how many times have i heard from the podium people who had nothing and one person believed they could change, one person believed that maybe one day were there was a life there was hope, that anything was potentially possibly, that i never really know when or how someone will make that choice bt maybe they will , maybe i can love them anyway. I guess the trick islearning when not to be chump about it, when to not give them your last 5bucks or have any sort of expectation. nto going to lie its hard an di cant say im 100% there but i wont give up on being me for the person who has no one.

Anyway im happy to be off..nursing all my wounds..bruised rib-sprained thumb ect..on sat i get to work in the detox...

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