Tuesday, August 25, 2009

ummm ya

first off i just have to say, and im sure it obvouis, i have a hard time with spelling and grammer, most of it is due to lazyniess. And the late night writting doesnt help either. Im trying to edit..trying..

so tonight i got off early, well i just left. Not due to anything stressful at the work place, if anything work was quite pleasant. My head was else were, i did the worst thing posisble tonight. Ive been an on/off hypochondriac for the last 6 years ish and the other day i had some health stuff come up. Rationally i know im probably fine, i made the doctor yesterday repeat back to me that im not dying.But tonight i thought i was okay enough about it to jump online and GOOGLE everything. Ya note to self..not good ..i sent my self into panic and had to leave. My fault, shouldn't have done that, not a job were i can be distracted like that. I tried really hard to pull it together but i foresaw a client asking me how i was and breaking down. They dont miss a beat down there, every mood, every pound,new sweatshirt, people you like, dislike, if its your time of the month, nothing goes un noticed. And rumors..man thats another entery..my phone gto stolen a long time ago and i know who it was because i watched the tapes and i didnt tell anyone who i thought i t was and yesterday some one asked me about it..word on the street..literally. So ya i foresaw one of the many people who know how iam very well, knowing that something was bothering me..asking me and then i break..glad i left..feeling a bit better and with a more solid realization that im not okay to start goggling ans self diagnosing myself with things..

A few weeks back i was doing all these tests online that tell you if your a sociopath..im not for the record, maybe a narcissist but not sociopath.

Last week i had a few different people i know come by and use the site.. not people that i didnt know had relapsed or are using but close enough to me for sure.. There really are some grey lines man. One in particular was hard, i would classify them as another same/same..we are similar in many ways, so of corse (being the narcissist that i am) i see me in them. I see the frustration and sadness..you know those hugs that are a second longer then normal because its like you want to say something but you dont, ya heartbreaking. Im glad i can be there though, when they walk through the doors..which ever doors they are.

i really dont know if i have much else to sAy, i guess the highlight of my night was picking out a t-shirt from the donation bin for someone..they had blood allover their shirt and i offered a new one and it was like fucking Christmas..totally but ugly shirt that found a happy home! When we have lots of clothes in the bin picking stuff out for people is my favorite thing..i used to style people in what feels like previous lifetimes ago..last year my old boss donated a ton of tshirts that never sold in our store..they retailed some of them up to 250$$.. how satisfying was that ? to give them out by the handful to my homeless army on the DTES..for like 2 weeks everyone was wearing them, such poetic justice for all the high maintenance clients i used to have to cater to. Almost like closer for my purgatory in retail!

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