firday night

maybe i will start backward...the last thing i did tonight was yell at the cab driver for not taking one of my clients home because he was sick. i waited outside with him for ten minutes and they guy drove off because he was too messed up to take him 4 blocks...he layed on the sidewalk and drive heaved while i tried to convince him to go to the hospital. no dice.. alot of people dont want to go to the hospital in case they are completely dying...for the following reasons
1) they get treated like shit
2) they have to wait a long time
3) they have no way back to the downtown eastside
4) they get dope sick
5) most of the time they kicked up..and if i didnt already mention they get treated like shit...

so i wasnt surprised when he wouldnt go in the ambulance after we called 911 or the cab which we called... He though he had bought cocaine but it most defiantly was not. The nurse seems to think it was kedimene, commonly used as a tranzulizer for veterians.(hilarious..just re-read this and noticed i wrote veterians not vetranarians..thnk i will leave it) He lost his shit for the first 5 minutes then threw up violently for 15min, then couldnt walk. Apparently the drug goes through his system pretty fast and he should be feeling better by now. Hard tho, hard to walk away. And believe me i know he is a big guy and can defend for himself. Like he literally is a huge guy and when he yells its really terrifying if you dont know him, but none the less im a sucker and always find it hard to watch people in pain, even if its was their "choice".

everything before that moment was completely calm, in fact i have a hard time remembering what the night was like. i worked the front desk for a bit, ate an entire bag of peanut butter m&ms crashed super hard, i guess i had a feeling and so i ate it. to be quite honest it was a super uneventful night..Sundays usually are..especially Sundays following a check week, money has run around, people are sleeping, the world will be ready for a new week tomorrow. A new week thta i most defiantly will not be apart of, down there that is. This week will be spent in my other life, my life were the company i keep will not be living in a perpetual motion of drugs and husling, this week i plan to be completely on this side of the fence and i couldnt be more excited.

This blog has been good for me to just process whatever after the night and i will probably continue it. I was talking to a kid that works with me tonight who is really for another planet..i say that it a matter of fact way, like he really just has had a completely different life experience, he grew up super sheltered and knows nothing much of drug culture(welll he does now) or street edicit(if there really is any) and self loathing or pain, but we were talking about work, im like how do you feel about our job, does it ever get to you? like do you ever feel weighed down or comsumed with sadness or compassion verging on co-dependence for people down here.. his reply for like, not really..that he feels stressed if he works too much but otherwise doesnt really notice it. i really dont know which is better..is he the one who has healthy detachment or am i the one who has an appropriate(most of the time) attitude of compassion... not sure but its defiantly a differnet take. Maybe its my past and how much i feel like i can relate sometimes...i mean i think in a way the whole fucking world is addicted to something somehow in someway that they tell themselves they arent going to do anymore and then they do..feeling insane for going against something they set out not to do(so many late night mumble wrong on sentences) ...that really its just the human condition..just life...

maybe its just a spectrum that we all experience but in varying degrees..maybe i just notice it..maybe its chemical.. maybe i think about it too much. All i know is when i look at myself , real talk, like super-time truth( i really just said super-time truth) i see everything that i see in the people that come to my work, just more magnified, just uglier, just more tangible and i feel like it makes me no better. Does that make sense...its makes me feel even, thus i feel so comfortable doing what i do were i do with the people in the state they are in.

anyway tangent.com again..going to bed..sending myself and the world good thoughts..hoping for dry sleeps to all my kids down there, maybe clean socks, a coffee and a smoke..