Wednesday, September 2, 2009

alot happens in general

work was good. thats it- ha not was good tho..i felt solid on the inside to be able to be in the outside...with work that is. I tried to make conscience decisions, in all the interactions that i could be present enough to remind myself, to think of the other person. Trying to train myself to put other peoples needs before mine. Strictly to save myself form myself..i love selfish selflessness. Its funny i was going to write earlier when i blogged, i was sitting here and the phone rang and it was a girl that i sponsor in the program, my first feeling was to not pick up the phone, my resistance is almost immediate, i actually have to tell myself to pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone. And i did , after we got off i thought to myself that girl just saved my life for a moment and she may never know,what a relief to talk about whats going on for her and help her in anyway i can...why the resistance...why since i know that its the only thing that frees me from the bondage of myself..and because its the right thing to do- ohhh right i have such an aversion to the do the things thats are right for leat some of the time anyway...just being honest, but really its works ,its with her and others that keep me out of drowning implies of my own shit. Wow that sounds disgusting..but i guess it is really.

Anyway less about my own personal darkness. Today was pleasant in some i showed up at work, today when i came back from my break on of the guys im fairly close with overdosed. Like literally i walked in the door and looked over and walked over to him with my co-worker, we managed to bring him back with oxygen, which is always in every ones favor. Often we will use narcan if they dont come out of it, for heroin that is, but as soon as you wake up from narcan you are dope sick because its an opiate anitagonist as well it only lasts 30 min so there is always the risk of od again if they get un-sick again...alive but dope sick, so oxygen tank worked and eventually we got him stabilized before calling 911. This as you may not know helps tremendously in a variety of ways...the amount of stress that goes into your body from overdosing..the longer your brain lacks oxygen on all ready comprised immune systems ...the cost of a 911 call, ambulance ride, trip to hospital, intake to then probably leave if they even go to the hospital..oh right and he didn't die.. after a while on
his way out we hugged and he said perhaps wasn't a good day to die, i agreed.

I also go to check out a meeting that one of my friends sponsors ups tars in the detox- caught the last half and it made me proud in a way to be sober...made me feel good to see some more of my fallen soldiers sitting a touch upright..maybe this the time they stay sober maybe not. QV was 6, another one of my favs LU just got up yesterday..i brought them some chocolate.

As well i had one client say something that i really needed to hear. He was inquiring about a change of clothes, i grabbed him an outfit from the back and let his use the restroom to change. he later thanked me and told me that the little minute i spent with him helping him with his hygiene gave him the motivation to shave and wash up and feel a bit better . He said that the little bit of hope i gave him with fresh clothes made him hate himself just a second less in that moment. I could have framed him comment and kept it in my pocket so i remember, remember when i cannot see a difference even tho i know it may be there.

tomorrow my goal is too not get punched a million times like mondays boxing/sparing...dear diary , strange concept, sparing with one of your best Friends... new to me...we have decided to open the lines of communication so we can spar and have it be separate from our friendship while learning how to respect and trust each other while we are training. But i also have a cracked rib so maybe i will ease up on that....

i feel extremely not creative about my post...its feel stagnant- hmmmone thing else i remember is one of my clients told me tonight that the best thing i have going for me is myself.. note to self for myself...

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