Friday, September 4, 2009

i get why im addcited to my job..

well maybe just from one aspect...asides from the fact that i was wondering today if its possible to get a contact high..thus being addicted to it. Not that i actually ever feel high when i left work, maybe wound up but not high as i remember it. Fuck almost 7 years..thats strange to me, 7 years will be the amount of time i was active in my alcoholism and 7 years just as much the person iam today as the person i used to be. I both like that and feel weird about it. were was i going..ha ya addicted to my i dont doubt that on some level the energy is addicting..i experienced how strong it really is when i worked upstairs last sat, every time i came down to do something it was like walking into a tornado or shit storm as i like to call it.

Anyway the real reason i feel like maybe im addicted to my job asides from the above would be is that im thrown into situations that constantly bring me the present, constant crisis, constant chaos, that im left with no time to feel sorry for myself about anything i deem "wrong" or unacceptable i nmy life. I know i ramble on alot about how attemping to be selfless helps me with my self centeredness but here at work i dont have alot of choice, i just show up and im presented with tons of situations that snap me to reality Its a win win situation.

blah enough about was smooth..minor moment as we were closing..someone came in and threw the mop bucket all over the floor..took 5 of us to figure out what this guy wanted..there was yelling in french and other clients trying to mediate..,mostly i just had no idea what had happened, but it ended peacefully. We were medium busy, Thursday nights the candyman comes. He stands on the corner of hastings and the alley beside the Washington and hands out candy and snacks and clothes and whatever else..huge line ups and then its constant candy and chocolate all night. Was remarking with same/same(my girl i get to work with on Thursdays)about how much food goes around there..i mean how much stuff in general but food for sure..I get offered food all the time..chocolate and candy ..its bad sometimes, they know its my solf spot too...once a truck pulled up with flats and flats and flats of yogurt and cottage cheese, everyone on main and hasting was eating dairy forlike2/3 hours.. .one time a lady dropped off a ton of cupcakes, stupid women walked though the waiting room with them and almost started a riot.

Went upstairs and visited QV in detox today..hes telling me hes going to leave tomorrow and go to a safe house..i kind of nothing it, i want him to get sober but the reality is he may then what ? he never gets sober and that means he doesn't have rights anymore..or i dont talk to him ..or what i look down on him..not likely, i mean iam all for sobriety but im also for i have no idea what your life should look like or pan out. does the 9 days sober still matter....of course it does..why not...its weird the more i work there the more i really have no black or white idea about things for others..for me maybe..but for others not so were sober 9 had moments of not having to steal meat and sell in on the street for your next fix..good so be it..9 days of less pain is better then 9 days of more pain..regardless...

maybe he will stay..i hope he does but if he doesnt i dont feel as though time was wasted...

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