Wednesday, September 9, 2009

lets see if this works...

my at attempt to write while im at the front desk may or may not go over so well. I thought i would get a jump start because i have to get home go to sleep and be back in the hood by 10am for a mandatory staff meeting, to then go to boxing to go home and come back to the hood and work 12-4am..sweet jesus... i wonder if Jesus was sweet. whatever.. my weekend was amazing, really like it couldn't have been better. I needed it after the week of wallowing in my own shit. Graveyards are real easy to justify sleeping till 4/5/6pm... so i spent all weekend immersed in the sober side of my life. i exist in both extremes..and they cross over all the time. weird. anyway i was so unbelievably fucking grateful to be around sober people this weekend, and sober people that enjoy their sobriety. Made coming back here hard on MOnday.

Last night was quite. My close friend came in, i sat in her booth and talked to her while she did her fix. She cried almost instantly.i didnt ask why, dont really need too..i can imagine that even tho i know its nice for her to have me as a point of contact when shes down here i must remind her in someway of being clean,something she doesn't have, or something she doesn't know how to get,its like we both are looking in the mirror of each other on opposite sides, both lives really close to each other yet so far apart. We talked about people we know, we talked about me breaking up with my BF and boys ect. She did her fix and i stuck band aides all over her hands. AHHHH i just want to wrap her up somewhere and keep her safe,,fuck that part kills me, its like the closest thing i can do is to clean her wounds and stick band aides on her...its like the only way i can control the situation. I guess its tangible, a physical action that i can see, softens the blow. She gave me her belt and left, asked me to hold on to it for her, she gave me her prayer beads too that sit on my dresser. god witting this makes me feel sad.. but its real and i need to have it out of my head and out floating in the internet, i guess so that maybe i can digest it better. See were im at, that is the point of this whole blog. SO she left, it always crosses my mind when she leaves if it will be the last time, i try to not fill my head with those thoughts..and the after thought that maybe if i had...what tho.. you know, there really isnt anything i can do but know that when she needs me iwill be there to the best of my ability and maybe stick a band aide or two one.

QV, my buddy upstairs in detox left and went to some recovery house although i haven't heard from him at all. Tonight has been busy for the most part..some serious hustle earlier, lots of cops out. Things have quietened down now but as i say that people are screaming in the injection room.

Top 5 favorite things to do while im at work

1) hang out with, i will call her D73, shes quite schizophrenic and does cocaine, she talk major word salad and is the sweetest thing on the plant. The most Innocent person down here, she probably gets ripped off alot. If i ever saw someone hurt her i might go to jail, but really she know all the words to most 80s metal and classic rock, she will sing her face off and dances like Elaine form sendfield, she also claps and snaps, all the while yelling word salad and once and a while screams out the word "vagina" or least sings songs about it.Anyway i talk with her alot.

2)help a really f0cucked up person clean up their booth, especially the angry loud "tough guys".. its quite the challenge but i feel like my years in the sales industry has helped me perfect the art of tactful manipulation , combined with my genuine compassion makes, for satisfying booth exits.

3)listening to peoples always blows my mind if you talk with someone for a minute what people have been through and the wealth of information and life experience ive gotten from people down here.

4)learning about street culture. I mean i guess this is obv because clearly there is something baout it that attracts me to down here other then just helping and feeling somewhat proud of what i put back into the world, i know that there is a darkeness in me that is fsatinated with how the world opporates in the hood. So im always curious about way that drus are sold, ways that they are prepared, how things are flipped and re flipped and traded and sold and stolen then found and then traded again...its crazy how you will see the same hoodie or stereo or bike going around and around and around.

5)look for blood splatter..this touches on my OCD a little treasure hunt, at the end of the night we scour to walls of the injection room for blood that may have gotten sprayed and splashed or dripped anywere...

i realize how un0normal this all sounds but its work and i like 9 times out of ten. Its painful and amazing. And believe me im not always all about harm reduction- at least when i say that i mean im human and sometimes i get tripped up about the moment, when i think about the big picture i really do believe in it, but there are moments when i stop and wonder if im doing something really wrong, just because at first glance it can feel that way, for brief moments, like with my girl, when i pulled her tye and we were chatting like nothing was going on, but everything was going on. IN another time we would be having that conversation in a coffee shop, her car, on the phone, on a walk, instead of at my work were she legally injects heroin(safely i might add). so ya snipets of time like that were i feel a bit fucked up , but they are brief because i realize that this is the reality of her life, that i wouldnt want her to not have a place to go,i know that overall it is helpful, it does work, it is such an efficient way to connect to people and help them access services. I get to be there in some of the most crucial points in peoples lives and try to better their existence even for a second, how can i feel bad about that at the end of the day right? I guess im just hashing out how to be allow my humanbess while still still being 100% behind my work. I dont want to ever get to the point were it doesn't affect me.

as well i still get to see my friend .Love u girl.


1 comment:

  1. wow, feel a little bit like i am sneakin a peak at your diary , and cant say its not a heavy read but its really inspiring and impressive that ya get these thoughts on paper ..